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"By Jeeves"
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When love arrives

BERTIE
But the point of all this, let's face it, is that it's not what Gussie says, surely.
It's what he feels. I mean, love's a funny thing. It doesn't always look quite the same.
It varies from person to person, if you follow. I mean, with Budge it's a brisk covering in jam,
but with Gussie, it's more subtle - more oblique - like - steamed fish - it creeps up on you...
When love arrives, it's hard to tell
He doesn't ring the front door bell
He doesn't wait politely in the hall
Or leave his card
He doesn't wait to wipe his feet
In fact he's not at all discreet
He doesn't phone to warn you he will call and means to stay
He may not come when you're expecting him to visit -
But if he does, make sure he finds you home
Surrender now, for what's the use?
And wave that friendly flag of truce
Just rush right out to greet him
Don't hesitate at all, dear
You'll bless the day that love rings your bell

MADELINE
Ding! Ding!

BERTIE
Hallo?

MADELINE
Who's there?

BERTIE
It's love

MADELINE
Come in

BERTIE
Kiss, kiss

MADELINE
Hee-hee!

BERTIE
So close your eyes and lend an ear
For I suspect he's somewhere near
And that it's you that he has come to find

MADELINE
Oh Bertie, dear...

BERTIE
So let him hold you tight and snug -

MADELINE
Like kittens cuddled in a rug?

BERTIE
Well, that's the sort of thing I had in mind...

MADELINE
Oh look, my dear!
Each dandelion clock is very softly chiming
To tell the flowers it's time to go to bed

BERTIE
What's that she said?

MADELINE
I know this night can't be in vain
The stars shine in God's daisy chain
And even Mr. Moon's begun to snore...

BERTIE
Good grief, no more...
Look, softly now, just close your eyes -

MADELINE
And will I get a big surprise?

BERTIE
What else d'you think I'm doing all this for
You lovely thing, you?
Just wait right there till love himself arrives
Wait there...stay there...right there...don't move...stay put...

What have you got to say, Jeeves?

BERTIE
What have you got to say, Jeeves?
What have you got to say?

JEEVES
Sir -

BERTIE
Your job's to protect me and to cushion me from shocks
Not to let the poor young master end up crouching in a box
Leave him posing as a coatstand there, the minute someone knocks
No, somebody's got to pay, Jeeves
Somebody's got to pay

JEEVES
If you would allow me, sir -

BERTIE
Threatened with a lynch mob and I lose my oldest friends
I'm embroiled with random females bent on dire romantic ends
Yours is frankly not a judgement, Jeeves, on which a chap depends
It's bordering on risque, Jeeves
Utterly declasse...

JEEVES
If I might -

BERTIE
Your job's to inspire me with encouragement and praise
Not abandon me with Stiffy in some frightful leafy maze
Not to make me change my name three times in just as many days
Here I am in an extreme position
General Custer out of ammunition
Didn't get here by my own volition
As Tennyson once thundered
Someone here has badly blundered

JEEVES
Sir -

BERTIE
It's chaos and disarray, Jeeves
Misery and dismay

JEEVES
Perhaps if i could interr -

BERTIE
Calling this a shambles is to understate the case
Look at all these banjo lovers, not a dry eye in the place
I shall never have the nerve again to look them in the face
So what have you got to say, Jeeves?
What have you got to say?

JEEVES
I fear I must confess it, sir
Despite my best endeavours to
Ensure a fluid narrative
Things haven't gone to plan
Evens were overtaken, sir
By unseen technicalities
I really can assure you, though
I've done the best I can
There comes the odd occasion, sir
When facing up to destiny
We'd do as well as well remembering
A man is but a man
You have my firm assurances
That come the grand denouement, sir
Events will all resolve themselves
In spite of come what may
I only can apologize
For any inconvenience
Injurious to your dignity
That happens on the way
I simply wish to emphasize
I have your interests uppermost
And that, sir, in conclusion, sir
Is all I have to say!

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